My fellow women of the internet, I have an awkward experience I need to share with you.
I have already shared it with Jeff, but he is not a lady and thus he cannot truly understand the painful awkwardness that I experienced today. I need the listening ears (er…reading eyes) of women who can relate.
WARNING: This is basically just a long ramble with no point other than to share this ridiculous experience that is just begging to be shared.
Today, I had my yearly visit to the doctor/gynecologist. (My doctor is both…this way she can both provide me with birth control and refill my allergy meds…you know, kill 2 birds). Anyway, I took a sick day from work (a sick day! how magical!) and took the train into Boston ready to get this awkwardness over with.
As you all know, the yearly gynecologist visit is always super weird. You are asked very personal questions about your lady parts and sex life. You strip down to your nuddy pants and are given a strange backless gown to wear. Your breasts get fondled in the name of medical science. You may even be forced to experience the shameful leg-spread pap smear. (Uggggghhh is there a worse phrase in the English language than pap smear?!I think not.)
So I entered the doctor’s office today after having mentally prepared myself to go through these experiences. I was feeling pretty okay about the whole thing. The universe, however, had other ideas and decided to through me a curveball. A curveball in the form of Hunky Med Student Abercrombie Model.
Oh yes. I learned that my doctor was training a med student from a local college and he would be helping out with my exam. Oh joy! And this guy…he was maybe my age or just a few years older. He strolls out looking like a young Ty Pennington (you know, the guy from Extreme Home Makeover):
And all fancypants in a pink freaking gingham shirt and fancy businessman trousers. Straight out of an Abercrombie + Fitch catalog.
My muscles immediately tense with dread. I have to talk about my lady parts with this dude!?
He takes me back and weighs me (embarrassment #1 of 2637152 for the day) then checks my blood pressure. “It’s a little high. Are you nervous or something?” he inquires. Oh no young sir, I have hunky blokes asking me about the state of my vag all the time. I’m not nervous at all!
Then he takes me back to the room and begins the dreaded questionnaire. The questions begin pretty straightforward (“Are you still on the same medications?”) and then get increasingly awkward. There are mildly awkward questions like “How often do you exercise?” and “How often do you drink.” And then the blush-factor increases with “At what age did you get your first period” and “How old were you when you first had sex?” and “Have you ever had sex with a woman?” (is this guys for realz!?). And then it just gets medically disgusting. “Have you ever had herpes?” and “Have you ever had an abscess on your vagina?” (I don’t even know what that means but ew! and no!)
At this point I just want to shout, “no, I have never had anything gross or weird happening in my nether regions OKAY!” but he keeps going. And it starts to get downright personal: “Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend?” “How is living together going?” “How is your sex life?” “Any changes in sex drive?” Excuse me Mr. Hunkypants but this is none of your dang business!
In case you were wondering, I had not made eye contact with him at all and have been staring at a fixed point at the wall across the entire time.
Luckily, after this thorough interrogation, he leaves so I can change into the awkward smock thing and comes back with my normal doctor. She doesn’t have to ask me a whole lot (what was left to know about at this point anyway! goodness!) and THANK YOU BABY JESUS she informed me that I did not have to have a pap smear. She let hunky check my ears/eyes/nose/throat and then …it’s time for the breast exam. She did the whole thing, but then asked if I’d be okay with hunky trying since he just had training last week and needed to fondle a variety of breasts or something. At this point, he knows more about me than my own mother so I figure why the heck not.
SO THAT HAPPENED.
Epilogue: I took myself out for a post-fondle Forever 21 trip. I think I earned it.